Filed under: Movies
Herrro Ebely One! Dis is Angly Ajin. Aumos didn make it becusz dose lound-eye slabe dliben, mudder fuckers tly to file me flom my new job as token Ajin moobee clitic. Wry day do dat? Because I sink day hab flustlason about no actson with dare womans. Oh well, not my plobrem. Hey, Naydoo and Haygee, note to self: Get Viagla!
Okay, today, I go-ring to rebew a moobee I rearree angly about arot. Wry? Dat becusz Haygee an Naydoo tink dis moobee soo glate. Oh, it call Missin Impossble, Numba Tlee. I gib it Acadummy awald. Ha, Ha, Ha! Jus kidding!
Okay, enough of this broken English bullshit. I just did it for all you round-eyed, prejudiced bastards who like to take a dump on the Yellow Man. Velly funny.
Well, since Naydoo and Haygee are coming down hard on my ass (no, not in that way you perverted fuck), I guess it’s time for me to stretch my editorial legs. So here goes.
First of all, Mission Impossible 3 is rated PG-13…where the warning says “Parents Strongly Cautioned”, blah, blah, blah. Oh My God – Parents Strongly Cautioned – now that’s gotta be one seriously, kick-ass flick, right? Unfortunately not. This film is so overacted, and self-important it makes me laugh. It clearly caters to the mindlessness of the 13 year old male.
The story begins with the amazing Ethan Hunt (Cruise), leaving his new bride to go on a “business trip”. Humm, that seems a little suspicious, no actually it’s pretty corny. In reality (wink, wink), Hunt comes out of retirement to save one of his colleagues. The story of course becomes the ultimate battle between Hunt and the ultimate bad guy, Owen Davian (Philip Seymour Hoffman). Get real. This is soooooo cheesy and cliché. Hoffman is in my humble opinion, completely miscast as the villain. Why not use someone believable…I mean look at him, does Hoffman really look like a scary guy to you? Oh yeah, that’s right, make him say some threatening things like “Do you have a wife or girlfriend? Whoever she is, I’m going to find her, and I’m going to hurt her … “(corny!) Oooh, if I was Ethan Hunt, I’d be shitting in my pants. Let’s see, a fat, middle-aged, balding, white guy making some menacing grimaces and pathetic threats. The producers should have cast an actor who at least physically looked the part…hey, what about Henry Rollins? Oh, that’s right, he’s not an “A” lister like Hoffman.
And then there’s the brain-destroying chip implanted in Hunt’s head, as well as that of his colleague, whom he of course, fails to save (earlier in the film), as it comes down to the wire. How lame is that?
Believe me, there isn’t too much substance behind this story. Just a juvenile plot catering to our mindless teens. Now, I understand there may be some older dudes out there who still think this flick is the bomb. But, that says more about them than about the film.
And of course, the ending death of Hoffman’s character is stolen right from the movie, Speed.
If you rent this one, you’ll be scratching your head wondering why you just blew $5 and 2 hours of your time on this nonsense.
Peace out.
Angry Asian
